This is where it begins...

I am 41 years old, I have three beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a great job, but a totally destructive relationship with alcohol. 

The first time I got drunk was when I discovered my mum's homemade plum wine hidden under the stairs when I was about thirteen.  It was the school holidays and she was at work, and by the time she got home I was a quarter of a demijohn down and completely wasted.

My first experience with alcohol kind of set a precedent and I continued to get very drunk throughout my life.   I am most definitely a binge drinker, and although I can quite easily go without, when I do open a bottle of wine, it all has to go.  And often I will move on to whatever else is in the house: cheap rum (bought for the Christmas pudding), lager, whisky - all drinks that I can't stand when I'm sober, but drinks that I need when I'm drunk.

And after I have been on a bender (normally in my own house), I wake up feeling remorseful, guilty, paranoid, embarrassed, and full of self-loathing and hate.  I beat myself up for days afterwards wondering what I said or did and I completely lose all self respect.  Not to mention the banging headache, the sickness, the tiredness and the depression.

As a mother I feel guilty that I am doing this to myself - that I'm not being the best mother that I can possibly be.  My behaviour is selfish and irresponsible.  I should be looking after myself, not destroying myself.

A particular low point was when I got trashed during Sunday lunch at a friends house.  My children were there, and witnessed me slurring, slumping, staggering and then passing out.  I felt truly awful.  It's times like this that make me wonder who on earth I am and what the hell is wrong with me as a human being.

Disturbing incidents like this have made me want to give up on many occasions, but after a gruelling day I will then tell myself that I deserve a glass of wine, that it is my saviour and my comfort, and it tastes nice, and that I don't have a problem - and alcohol (in moderation) is the perfect tonic for the busy hardworking mum after all.  BOLLOCKS!

Things have come to a head.  My last hangover lasted for four days - it was more the mental and emotional effects rather than the physical that lasted this long.  I wanted to crawl under a stone and hibernate.  I hated myself.  I felt I didn't deserve my beautiful family.  I felt awful.  And all because I got wrecked with a friend of mine, smoked too many fags (something I only do when I am pissed), talked crap, and didn't have a particularly good night anyway.  Seriously, why put myself through all this - for what?

Yesterday, Monday 20th January, was the day I decided that enough was enough and that I was going to try my absolute hardest to give up alcohol for good.

This is my journey.... wish me luck!